Once Upon a Time...I'm a Nerd. ;)

Ah, math jokes.

What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.
Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.
Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005
Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.
Nutritionist: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!

Oh dear, love this one. So nerdy! :D

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him andsaid "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"
The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."

This is kind of amazing:

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."

She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats "one third x cubed".
She asks, "one thir dex cuebd?"
"Yes, that's right," he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".
The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"

Approximately ten excuses for not doing homework:
•I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
•I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
•I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
•I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
•I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
•I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
•I couldn't figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.
•I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee, and then I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
•I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

Math Pickup Lines:
You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
My love for you is a monotonic increasing function of time.

Oh dear, I'm a nerd. :D