"Thomas Trigger" from 8th Grade

In 8th grade, I wrote a story for English.
And that story was about the evils of Twilight.
(It was a tall tale, so kind of odd.)
And without much further ado, I give you:
Thomas Trigger and the Evils of Twilight

One fine, fine day, Taryn Trigger was a’goin’ to the store to get the basic necessities of life (ya know? Duct tape, Sharpies, Gum, and Sticky notes). Anyway, she went to Walmart, which can be counted on for any material. While she was there, she heard a loud scream, “Omigosh! Edward Cullen!!!”
She looked around to see where it had come from. In her house, that name was forbidden and anyone who said it was to be slapped repeatedly until they came to their senses.
She looked to her left and saw a mob of teenage girls. Uh oh, she thought, better get out of here, they can be dangerous.
But she wasn’t quick enough and they trampled her, and she was killed. Later, during the investigation, the police discovered that she had been standing right in front of a display of Twilight books. Her family was furious, but there was nothing the state could do. It was an accidental death, and life went on.
Six months later, her brother arrived home from a two year trip to Africa. He had heard nothing about the accident and was hoping to see his sister. He loved her very dearly and hoped that nothing would ever happen to her. He didn’t know what he would do without her.
He arrived and went straight to his house. When he got there, he asked, “Where’s Taryn?” His mother and father looked at him and told him that he might want to sit down.
They told him all about the accident: the girls, the book, the death. When they finished, he began to cry. Not dignified tears that slide down your face, but big gross sobs that make your face turn all red and splotchy.
He took an oath that day, to track down every single teenage girl and turn them against Twilight. They would pay for what they did to his sister.
Taryn’s brother (I cannot disclose to you his name at this time, for it would take away from the dramatic plot at a later time in the story) started each day at 6 a.m. and came home to sleep at 11 p.m. He used that time to track down all the Twilight books he could and he’d bring them home every night.
Finally, when he was sure that he had found every last Twilight book, he rented an hour of cable television on all the most popular television stations for one night around 6 p.m.
That night, he went on national television and burned his huge stack of Twilight books (over 2 billion).
The outrage was enormous. Every girl in the US (well, all the dumb ones) cried that night. They were all horrified at what he had done, but he wasn’t satisfied. He wouldn’t be satisfied until he had convinced every last person of the evils of Twilight.
He knew this would have to be extreme. Now, let me explain. He was a pretty big guy. He was about six feet tall, buffer than a two-hundred pound farmer and had a temper worse than an angry bull. This was one guy you didn’t want to mess with.
So he went all around the world, slapping—that’s right, I said slapping (with a Bible)—all the teenage girls obsessed with Twilight. He would not stop until he had turned every single one against the book. In fact, he slapped so hard, I wouldn’t be surprised if no one ever wrote or read a single book about vampires ever again. The idea was forgotten and despised.
He was sure that he had gotten every last one, and then he met a girl. A girl named Molly Sue. She was the prettiest girl he had ever seen. When he saw her, his eyes nearly popped outta his head.
She was five foot eight with long blond hair and bright blue eyes. She had the sweetest Texan accent you’ve ever heard. She pronounced all her “I’s” extra elongated and said “y’all” in the prettiest way.
So, he decided to settle down and raise a family, and they were never plagued by that evil book again.
And they all lived happily ever after (aside from the fact that twenty years later, the earth exploded and they all DIED.)

The End

(Oh, and by the way, his name was Thomas, if you didn’t guess from the title.)

Really The End (I mean it.)