Neverisms

For Christmas I got a book called Neverisms.
Basically, it's just a bunch of things you should never do.
These are my favorites so far:

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Never fight an inanimate object

Never stab anyone with a gravy ladle.

Never steal anything so small that you'll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum security federal tennis prison.

Never have a food fight with school-dining-hall food.

Never make an obtuse observation about a triangle. It just isn't right.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Never drink and derive; alcohol and calculus don't mix.

Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with something bigger and heavier.

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flamethrower.

Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Never jog while wearing wingtips--unless you are attending the Nerd Convention in Atlantic City.

Never look at the trombones; it only encourages them.

Never learn to do anything. If you don't learn, you will always find someone else to do it for you.

Yay quotes. :)